Who am I and what happened to my identity? When I was a little girl I knew exactly who I was the apple of my father’s eye, the youngest girl, and the big sister to my younger brother. During my teen years, life was about trying to fit in, school, and boys. My 20’s were about college, jobs, and adult boys. This was an exciting time for me. I was able to come and go as I wanted. Spend my money freely and do as I pleased. I guess you could say that I was free. I couldn’t imagine being married or having children. My sister’s were having kids and I saw how their lives were and I didn’t want their life. I was having a good time.
Finally, I meet the right boy. One who was grounded in life and began to tame my wild side. Luckily for me, he was the right one and I snatched him up quickly. Yes, quickly. We meet and were married within 9 months. Here was my first identity change going from single to married life. It was quite fun in the beginning to play the married couple and navigate life with a partner. It was strange however that my name had changed and then I began to change. I wasn’t carefree Malissa anymore. I had to be a little more responsible because now I was sharing my life with someone else. I liked being Mrs. Jones but felt weird when people called me by my married name. After all, I spent 22 years being Malissa Durkee.
We went on being “this couple” for 10 years before we decided to have kids. Why did we wait so long? Well, I really wasn’t responsible enough. I wasn’t only not mentally prepared but we weren’t financially either. (Looking back on our decision, we know we could have done it…just would have taken more sacrifice). So coming up with decision was a shock to me. I thought no way are we having kids and no way was I going to stay home and no way was I going to do ½ the things that I’ve done as a mom.
Alright, so I’ve become a Mom. When I was pregnant with Braedon it was all surreal to me. Yes I was getting bigger and yes there was evidence I was pregnant but I didn’t realize it. Even after he came home and I was taking care of him, it still didn’t register that my identity had changed. I felt like I was Malissa + 1. Then when I started to lose sleep, changed diapers, did more laundry and I was at home did I realize my title had changed.
Before this I was working a good job and although I knew I was going to quit to take care of my baby….I didn’t realize I was about to change. I immediately turned into the breastfeeding, co-sleeping, never let your child cry, never let your child touch anything dirty, always had to be changed on schedule, and that I had to take him everywhere I went. Yes, I became a baby wearing mama. It’s funny that I ordered a Bjorn and it came on the day he was born….how ironic is that? Since then, we’ve added 2 more kids to the Jones clan.
It’s a rarity that I’m without my children. Partially because I’m a worry-wart and don’t like them to be without me. (Again who best to cater to their every whim than MOM). Plus I’ve taken on the role as the stay-at-home mom and now their teacher. So, it is rare to see me without them. When I don’t have them as my shield, I feel naked as if my Mommy powers have been stripped. ‘You no longer have your kids and therefore you are vulnerable to your arch nemesis…the world.’ I feel lost without them but relieved to have some time to myself. Hence, my identity crisis. Am I Malissa or shall I change my official documents to Mom?
I get a big chuckle when my kids call me Malissa. I laugh at the thought that yes that is my name but I am glad when you call me Mom.
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